I write because I feel that a familiar discord of chagrin gets me. Something in the sense of nothing I do not want, nothing makes sense. Certainly you used to have one. And if you do not envy.
It happens that we are people, women and unfortunately hormones decide about our state of mind. The shakiness is our second nature.
At times like this, I would like nothing more than to think that life is unjust.I did not get almost anything from what I was doing when I got to my 30th birthday. It’s not like it’s all wrong.
And most of all I lost control on my life. Somewhere, the plan failed, and somebody else took over.
And so from the active free soul I became a trapped, small pile of problems and indecision, which I feel criticized, limited and insulting.
The eternal problem of love and motherhood and reletionship. You must sacrifice. You always sacrifice something. Nobody ever said it would be such a sacrifice.
At the beginning it is fine, because you have memories of your autonomy. You still have something of your own, I want you to feel your own independence … Later is only worse. Like the ball you bounce off the walls. Sometimes you fly high and it seems to you that everything is going your way, that you are finally going your own way, and moments later you are lying on the ground. Painful falls. These are not even some great defeats. This is even the eternal criticism of your partner, we are lamenting that you have wasted your life, tears that come to your eyes when you see babies that are not yours, and you deny that you do not want your body to tell you something else. Plundered by herself.
Slowly resign from the rest of your liking and vote and keep it so that others are happy. That it would be easy. For holy peace.
That’s what my grandmother was saying.
She is silent for holy peace.
But holy peace has never been.
And he will not be here. Because it will never be good if you have to hide part of yourself. When you still have to fight for your views and time. It will not be until you get out of this leathery skin and start reminding yourself how it used to be.
You must recover your self. Maybe not the one from years ago. But new. Build something new on old foundations. Cut off toxins. From people and places. Give up not doing for holy peace. Stand even yourself. Rebel even at the expense of demolishing your current world.
Because if you do not do it. Disappear.
The truth hurts. I know. Are you afraid? Daily. Of what? Changes.
Will it be worth it? Nobody knows that. Will you regret if you do not do it? Probably.
But you can keep silent. For holy peace.